Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I was in the middle of a staff meeting when my wife called. Our 16-year-old cat, who had not been eating for days, was clearly nearing the end and my wife had a vet on the way to the house. My son, who works with me, was about to leave to go home. I had what I would call “the moment.” All working people have them — the moment when you ask yourself, “Should I go home, or should I stay and continue to fight the battle?” Quick. Make a decision.

I have made this kind of decision many times before. On more than one occasion, I have made the wrong decision. How do I know? Because I am still thinking about it 20 years later. Of course, this has gotten easier. Today, I have a competent staff and a business that can run without me for days on end, maybe even weeks or months! The fact is, my typical workday is now very different than it was 20 years ago.

Back then, my business was growing at a rapid pace, and I spent my whole day going from one emergency to another. It was all-consuming and all-confusing. I had no idea what I was doing wrong that I couldn’t take a few hours off if I felt the need. I’m not talking about the easy calls — when a loved one is rushed to the hospital or your house is burning down. At times like that, you just leave — unless you are even more messed up than I was. I’m talking about the times that you have to make a judgment call (or in my case, a lack-of-judgment call). I have had more than a few of these over the years, times when it wasn’t critical that I be there but it would have been nice.

Many years ago, my mother was in the hospital for surgery, which I was there for. (I told you, I’m not that messed up.) Everything went fine, and my mother told me that she would get the results from a biopsy at about 2 p.m. the next day. I promised myself that I would be there when the doctor came to deliver the news, which would either be very good or very bad. Before I knew it, 2 had come and gone, and my mother called me at 2:30 to tell me that everything looked good.

I was relieved, disappointed and horrified — disappointed that I had lost track of the time and didn’t make it to the hospital and horrified to realize that my life was indeed out of control. It was like the movies, when they convey the passage of time by showing the hands of the clock spinning wildly. That’s what my days were like. But I was determined to get control of my business and, in turn, my life. Here is the good news: I accomplished my goal. Here is the bad news: it took me more than 20 years to do it.

First, I learned how to manage, which includes hiring competent people. And I figured out how to stop spending all of my time putting out fires — I got rid of the arsonists. (I have written previously about my learning curve.) It was easier said than done, but I believe I now have a healthier perspective. When you tell yourself that it doesn’t matter whether you are at the hospital, or the awards ceremony, or the big game, it probably does. That is what regrets are made of, even if it takes 20 years for you to fully understand.

That said, I don’t mean to suggest that it ever gets easy. If you own your own business and you have made commitments, it is sometimes necessary to take care of business. That judgment call can be very difficult when you are in the thick of things, especially when your kids are too young to tell you how disappointed they are. Or your family is trying to be supportive. It can be tempting to view these as isolated incidents, but if they happen too often, you might want to ask yourself the questions I asked myself.

As for our cat, this time I went home. She was a good cat. And this time I didn’t disappoint my wife.

This article was written by Jay Goltz and published in The New York Times.