Bestselling author and business icon Stephen Covey once said: “When you show deep empathy toward others...That's when you can get more creative in solving problems.”

These words ring true for me not just because they were spoken by one of the most influential figures in American business, but because now, more than ever, the need for empathy spans the full spectrum of political, personal and business realms, reports Forbes. 

From Wall Street to Main Street, Americans are polarized. And nowhere is it more obvious than in public discourse. The way people communicate with each other — in person, online and off — seems to have devolved into a murky stew of personal attacks and ugly rebuttals. The old adage “let’s agree to disagree” has been replaced with “I’m right, you’re stupid. End of discussion.”

If we’re to become better leaders and more creative problem solvers, we must cultivate the ability to be empathetic in how we communicate with other people. In business, success boils down to the problems you solve, how well you can solve them and the ability to communicate effectively — and empathically — with others.

“One of the key challenges in any genuine, authentic communication can be a lack of empathy,” says executive coach and communication expert Alison Whitmire.

So how do we develop empathy? First, it’s important to understand how we block empathy.

How We Communicate

We all know that effective communication is more than just the words we say. We communicate with our bodies, our expressions, our energy and our feelings. We communicate in a lot of ways. Unfortunately, some people are not good at being able to read that information. As a result, they fail to connect with others.

At best, people’s inability to read subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) communication cues keep them from being able to establish rapport. At worst, they destroy relationships because people invalidate and dismiss another’s thoughts and opinions — as is the case in our current political climate.

Today, it’s not enough to simply disagree with a particular point of view or ideology. Today disagreements are served-up with healthy doses of personal insults and character assaults.

“For most people it’s disconnecting,” says Alison. “It’s a way of saying: I’m done with you. I don’t care. Nothing you have to say is important to me.”

One of the reasons people choose not to be empathetic, she says, is they feel like being empathetic would indicate they agree.

Being Right Vs Being Empathetic

There is a real tension between rightness and empathy.

When people adhere to their positions so staunchly believing they’re right and everyone else is wrong, there’s little energy to be empathetic, which is actually caring about what others think and why.

There is no curiosity about someone else’s point of view because, after all, why be curious about a position they believe is wrong?

It’s as if they’re saying, “There’s nothing there I need to learn,” Alison says.

Seek To Understand

Stephen Covey used to say: “First seek to understand before you seek to be understood.”

That’s a key element of empathy. First you need to understand where the other person is coming from before you can even consider trying to get them do something, move somewhere, or think something else.

If we know that empathy is the key to dissolving adversarial positions, to being understood, and to effective teamwork, how do you help people become more self-aware so they can demonstrate empathy, even if they believe they’re right?

The answer is right under your nose.

Begin Within

There’s a big difference between an adversarial response and an empathetic response. And the difference lies in how attuned our emotional intelligence is under stress. I took the assessment at LearningInAction.com and it was incredibly accurate and insightful.

Stress limits our capacity for empathy. When we’re under stress, our focus tends to turn inward. When our focus turns inward, we’re literally not able to see what’s going on with someone else.

“When we’re ragged, when we’re running so hard in our day-to-day lives that we don’t have any space for ourselves, our emotional capacity isn’t there to be empathetic with someone else,” Alison says.

Empathy, therefore, starts with oneself.

Here are some keys to unlocking more of your own empathy:

• Start by filling your “joy bucket.” This means nurturing and taking care of yourself.

• Practice empathy by noticing and naming your own feelings. When you can notice, name and access your own feelings, you can connect with others’ feelings.

• Developing self regulation skills. Having the ability to “take a time out” or hit the mental reset button when you feel triggered to take a position against something or someone can help you stay open and curious.

• Ask questions. So much of other people’s experiences isn’t in what they say, rather it’s how they feel, what they think and what they want. Asking questions helps you to uncover those deeper motivations.

• Validate how other people are feeling instead of critiquing. Repeat back what you heard the other person say, and then validate that.